Into the Mysterious Dark

I am in tears as I write this. Pope Francis' homily today has taken the rusted knife already stabbed into my side from these sex scandals overhauling the Church and has twisted it, all while he begs relief from accusations and places yet another layer of blame on the victims. So today I ask myself, what do you do when your father abandons you? What do you do when the only earthly embodiment of a paternal figure you have ever had has turned on you, a sex assault victim, and has left you out in the cold? What do you do when the last safe place you had has turned into the very hell and nightmare you have fled? You scream. You curse. You demand better of God, because He is the only One Who can provide it. You flip Him off, shouting and sobbing until your lungs are sore that you can't take any more hurt. You can't take any more reminder that you are a burden on those who violated you, both by their actions and by their standing by and watching, simply because you are a ...

In light of recent events, more horrifically awful and satanic and demoralizing than I can possibly comprehend, I wanted to pen a few words. They are regarding the flurry of activity in defending the Church and its precepts in the face of such an unbelievable and disgusting revelation of some of the worst kinds of violation on every level and idea. Now, I will say this: I am a Catholic. I am still a Catholic, and by the grace of God, despite losing my inner repose, my sleep, and my appetite in the face of these recent events, I will remain one, my heart, mind, soul, and body grafted onto the Eucharist so closely that leaving Him would kill me. But I am also the victim of a sexual assault; a violation that took place when I was a very young child, too young to understand its evil until I was much older and more ready to handle the pocket of Hell, self-hatred, and pain that came with it. My nausea is not just in the face of the details of these people's stories of trauma; it is als...