"I'm not attracted to fat people. Period."
When he texted this to me, the force of its blow struck me so deeply, I could hardly comprehend he'd sent it to me.
My immediate reaction, of course, was anger.
"Why would you wait for me then?"
His response?
"Because you promised me you would change. And I believe you."
Verbatim, this is the conversation that ended my last relationship. If you can justify giving it such a title.
Never mind that this relationship was long distance; that, honestly, was the least of our problems. We had seen each other, had face-timed, had seen countless pictures of each other, video, audio, you name it. We had shared so much together, our pasts, our hopes for the future, our passion for music, and for God, and this was how it ended.
Over how much I weighed, and how quickly I would lose that weight.
Let's forget about the fact that I had just started to trust him, and to allow him some room in my heart. I really thought this guy could be it, the one to be different.
Boy, was I wrong.
I can already hear some of your objections to this post, objections I have heard so many times over the years it makes me sick.
"Well, physical attraction is important."
"If you're not attracted to that person, it won't work."
"It's how guys are wired."
"Guys are visual. If it's not there, it's not there, and they won't pursue it."
Yeah, I got it.
Thanks.
Look, I'm not here to debunk what I know is inherently true in relationships: attraction must be there. Why would a relationship start in the first place if there wasn't some sort of spark, some sort of sparkle, shimmer, a flash of light, a churn in the stomach, an ache in the soul, to know what light of God is hidden in that person's heart, what of His Divine Presence lives in them?
What I have an issue with is isolating it only to gender.
No doubt, one issue with this relationship I had was the effort on both our parts to try and manufacture something that wasn't there. And that's something entirely different than this.
If a guy looks at a girl, and says she's not attractive, he's patted on the back, told how he made the right decision, that he has to make sure that desire is there or it won't work.
But if a woman does it?
She's a vamp. A bitch. An arrogant, uppity, nose-in-the-air, too-good-to-give-him-a-chance slut. She's vain. She's shallow. She's not worth his time, anyway.
But that's beside the point here (and not what I intend on ranting about in this post; I just couldn't help myself with that mini-rant).
It's not fair to blame me for this.
A guy has weight on him, he's jolly. He's fun to be around. I know, from experience, that they are the brunt of those comments, too. But usually from women who won't give them the time of day. But there's usually a girl who sees him, and still wants to be there. These are not blanketed statements; I know there are exceptions. But more often than not, it's true.
A woman has weight on her, she's lazy. Unkempt. Too careless to lose her weight. Isn't it easy? Spend money on those supplements, starve yourself, work out to the point of passing out, and maybe then you'll be acceptable, and you won't have a guy you thought cared about YOU, not your weight, text you that he won't even consider a relationship with you until he meets you in person so he can see if he's attracted to you.
So lose the weight, already.
You're just fat and lazy and aren't trying hard enough.
Do I want to work out more?
Yes, of course I do. I love dancing, and that is how I work out. And am I trying to work on this? Yes, I am. It's hard to break the habit of self-depracation when you've been at it for so many years.
Do I want this to be the condition for my future relationship? Do I want a scale tied to my back to ensure I stay at the proper weight for a wife?
You already know the answer.
There must be something more to an initial attraction than just the desire to sleep with them (which unchecked is lust, y'all, if you forgot).
I've felt that chemistry before, and it had nothing to do with his weight, or mine. It had to do with our mutual acquaintance, the length of time we'd known each other, our comfort level with each other, just being together.
There was a chemistry there, an attraction that certainly had its physical elements, but that was only one facet of that attraction.
We wanted to be together, hold hands, watch movies together and write each other notes.
It was really that simple.
But this...when did it become so complicated?
When was it contingent upon whether or not you'd want to have sex with me?
I will not ask forgiveness for being so crass; in the past three years, I've had two separate guys, in two separate relationships, tell me this. And I've had it.
It's so easy to judge the girl with curves. Who has to buy the XXL shirts at Walmart because they always run small and she just wants the cute Christmas shirt even though she knows it'll be too small, anyway. Who burst into tears the night she went to try on bridesmaids dresses for her best friend's wedding because she was sure they wouldn't find anything that would fit her. Whose grandmother when she was 16 pulled on her t-shirt in front of a party of thirty people and announced, "Well, you're getting a tummy on you!"
I'll let you in on a little secret: to try and avoid carbs, those junkie foods I know are so bad for me, sometimes I barely eat at all. It's easy to say you're going high protein, but when you can barely afford to put gas in your car, and the chicken salad you ate for lunch just isn't tithing you over, you scrounge in your wallet for enough change to grab a Snickers from the vending machine so you don't pass out at your desk at work.
I'll let you in on another little secret: losing weight is not easy, and it does not happen over night. I've tried those supplements. They don't work. And you feel more run down and discouraged than before, because even the supplements don't work on you.
This post isn't a pity party for me; I'm not looking for comments to boost my self-esteem. All I'm wanting to know is that, isn't there more to attraction? To a desire to be with someone, not just physically, but as a whole, wholesome, body, soul, spirit, person?
I want to know that when I'm eighty, there will be a person beside me, that's been beside me through all my ups and downs, whether emotionally or physically.
Who looks at the stretch marks from our children, and smiles at them.
Who looks at the wrinkles on my face as a sign of all the laughter we've shared.
Who looks at the elastic waistband on my old-granny pants and chuckles because he's wearing the male version of the same fit.
Is it is so wrong to ask for such a love, such unconditional conditions?
To be loved for all of you, curves and all?
"Well, physical attraction....Theology of the Body....male physiology....blah blah blah."
Anyone who quotes Theology of the Body as a defense as to why women with curves should not expect more should be ashamed of themselves. That is NOT what it is meant for, and if that is how you go about preaching it, you are defaming the teaching that is meant for something far greater than you can possibly comprehend.
And if you throw every person of the male gender under the bus with such a blanketed statement of "male physiology", than you're not giving very much credit to yourselves or your male counterparts, and should still be ashamed of yourself.
Do we all have different aspects of a person we're attracted to? Absolutely.
But when did women, of all shapes and styles, curvy, thin, short hair, long hair, tall, short, suddenly become responsible for why they are not pursued by the male population?
And when did the male population suddenly become nothing but lust-filled pigs with nothing but sex on the brain and having no other pursuits, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally?
Please take this as what it is: an angry rant from a very hurt little girl, venting through the words of a 25 year old woman who thought she would see more from her relationship status than she sees.
And take it as what it was originally intended to be, a cry to know that her wish to just be loved for being her isn't the fabled dream of a children's book that long ago lost importance or merit.
I know life isn't a fairy-tale. But maybe, just maybe, there's more to the potential of a future relationship than the size of my clothes?
My immediate reaction, of course, was anger.
"Why would you wait for me then?"
His response?
"Because you promised me you would change. And I believe you."
Verbatim, this is the conversation that ended my last relationship. If you can justify giving it such a title.
Never mind that this relationship was long distance; that, honestly, was the least of our problems. We had seen each other, had face-timed, had seen countless pictures of each other, video, audio, you name it. We had shared so much together, our pasts, our hopes for the future, our passion for music, and for God, and this was how it ended.
Over how much I weighed, and how quickly I would lose that weight.
Let's forget about the fact that I had just started to trust him, and to allow him some room in my heart. I really thought this guy could be it, the one to be different.
Boy, was I wrong.
I can already hear some of your objections to this post, objections I have heard so many times over the years it makes me sick.
"Well, physical attraction is important."
"If you're not attracted to that person, it won't work."
"It's how guys are wired."
"Guys are visual. If it's not there, it's not there, and they won't pursue it."
Yeah, I got it.
Thanks.
Look, I'm not here to debunk what I know is inherently true in relationships: attraction must be there. Why would a relationship start in the first place if there wasn't some sort of spark, some sort of sparkle, shimmer, a flash of light, a churn in the stomach, an ache in the soul, to know what light of God is hidden in that person's heart, what of His Divine Presence lives in them?
What I have an issue with is isolating it only to gender.
No doubt, one issue with this relationship I had was the effort on both our parts to try and manufacture something that wasn't there. And that's something entirely different than this.
If a guy looks at a girl, and says she's not attractive, he's patted on the back, told how he made the right decision, that he has to make sure that desire is there or it won't work.
But if a woman does it?
She's a vamp. A bitch. An arrogant, uppity, nose-in-the-air, too-good-to-give-him-a-chance slut. She's vain. She's shallow. She's not worth his time, anyway.
But that's beside the point here (and not what I intend on ranting about in this post; I just couldn't help myself with that mini-rant).
It's not fair to blame me for this.
A guy has weight on him, he's jolly. He's fun to be around. I know, from experience, that they are the brunt of those comments, too. But usually from women who won't give them the time of day. But there's usually a girl who sees him, and still wants to be there. These are not blanketed statements; I know there are exceptions. But more often than not, it's true.
A woman has weight on her, she's lazy. Unkempt. Too careless to lose her weight. Isn't it easy? Spend money on those supplements, starve yourself, work out to the point of passing out, and maybe then you'll be acceptable, and you won't have a guy you thought cared about YOU, not your weight, text you that he won't even consider a relationship with you until he meets you in person so he can see if he's attracted to you.
So lose the weight, already.
You're just fat and lazy and aren't trying hard enough.
Do I want to work out more?
Yes, of course I do. I love dancing, and that is how I work out. And am I trying to work on this? Yes, I am. It's hard to break the habit of self-depracation when you've been at it for so many years.
Do I want this to be the condition for my future relationship? Do I want a scale tied to my back to ensure I stay at the proper weight for a wife?
You already know the answer.
There must be something more to an initial attraction than just the desire to sleep with them (which unchecked is lust, y'all, if you forgot).
I've felt that chemistry before, and it had nothing to do with his weight, or mine. It had to do with our mutual acquaintance, the length of time we'd known each other, our comfort level with each other, just being together.
There was a chemistry there, an attraction that certainly had its physical elements, but that was only one facet of that attraction.
We wanted to be together, hold hands, watch movies together and write each other notes.
It was really that simple.
But this...when did it become so complicated?
When was it contingent upon whether or not you'd want to have sex with me?
I will not ask forgiveness for being so crass; in the past three years, I've had two separate guys, in two separate relationships, tell me this. And I've had it.
It's so easy to judge the girl with curves. Who has to buy the XXL shirts at Walmart because they always run small and she just wants the cute Christmas shirt even though she knows it'll be too small, anyway. Who burst into tears the night she went to try on bridesmaids dresses for her best friend's wedding because she was sure they wouldn't find anything that would fit her. Whose grandmother when she was 16 pulled on her t-shirt in front of a party of thirty people and announced, "Well, you're getting a tummy on you!"
I'll let you in on a little secret: to try and avoid carbs, those junkie foods I know are so bad for me, sometimes I barely eat at all. It's easy to say you're going high protein, but when you can barely afford to put gas in your car, and the chicken salad you ate for lunch just isn't tithing you over, you scrounge in your wallet for enough change to grab a Snickers from the vending machine so you don't pass out at your desk at work.
I'll let you in on another little secret: losing weight is not easy, and it does not happen over night. I've tried those supplements. They don't work. And you feel more run down and discouraged than before, because even the supplements don't work on you.
This post isn't a pity party for me; I'm not looking for comments to boost my self-esteem. All I'm wanting to know is that, isn't there more to attraction? To a desire to be with someone, not just physically, but as a whole, wholesome, body, soul, spirit, person?
I want to know that when I'm eighty, there will be a person beside me, that's been beside me through all my ups and downs, whether emotionally or physically.
Who looks at the stretch marks from our children, and smiles at them.
Who looks at the wrinkles on my face as a sign of all the laughter we've shared.
Who looks at the elastic waistband on my old-granny pants and chuckles because he's wearing the male version of the same fit.
Is it is so wrong to ask for such a love, such unconditional conditions?
To be loved for all of you, curves and all?
"Well, physical attraction....Theology of the Body....male physiology....blah blah blah."
Anyone who quotes Theology of the Body as a defense as to why women with curves should not expect more should be ashamed of themselves. That is NOT what it is meant for, and if that is how you go about preaching it, you are defaming the teaching that is meant for something far greater than you can possibly comprehend.
And if you throw every person of the male gender under the bus with such a blanketed statement of "male physiology", than you're not giving very much credit to yourselves or your male counterparts, and should still be ashamed of yourself.
Do we all have different aspects of a person we're attracted to? Absolutely.
But when did women, of all shapes and styles, curvy, thin, short hair, long hair, tall, short, suddenly become responsible for why they are not pursued by the male population?
And when did the male population suddenly become nothing but lust-filled pigs with nothing but sex on the brain and having no other pursuits, intellectually, spiritually, emotionally?
Please take this as what it is: an angry rant from a very hurt little girl, venting through the words of a 25 year old woman who thought she would see more from her relationship status than she sees.
And take it as what it was originally intended to be, a cry to know that her wish to just be loved for being her isn't the fabled dream of a children's book that long ago lost importance or merit.
I know life isn't a fairy-tale. But maybe, just maybe, there's more to the potential of a future relationship than the size of my clothes?
You are so awesome, and I am really happy that you are holding others to high standards of love! It disgusts me to hear that men have treated you like that. Gross. Thanks for sharing your thoughts and rants with us!
ReplyDeleteAw honey thank you!!! I really appreciate that
ReplyDelete